Don’t Look for Validation From Him/Her

I know you are struggling with this relationship.

It is a close relationship—one that is supposed to naturally care for you, nurture you, help you understand yourself, and guide you into the world.

And perhaps the hardest part is that you keep waiting for that person to become who you need them to be.

But what if they aren't that person?

One of the most painful forms of neglect isn't always the neglect we can see.

Sometimes it's emotional.

It's the absence of affection, encouragement, reassurance, validation, or emotional presence that you desperately needed.

And when that person is someone who was supposed to provide those things, the absence can hurt in a very particular way.

Because you aren't just grieving what happened.

You may also be grieving what should have happened.

I know you are struggling with this relationship because they are supposed to nurture you in a way that protects you, encourages you, shows you how you should be treated, and validates you.

But they are not that person.

They are naturally supposed to be a soft place to land.

They are supposed to make you feel protected.

They are supposed to be someone you can turn toward when the world feels hard.

But instead, they treat you like you are just another person on the street.

And it doesn't feel good.

Of course it doesn't.

You're looking for something from them that you have a very real reason to want.

But here's the difficult part:

You cannot make someone become the person you needed them to be.

And continuing to look to them for validation may keep putting you in the position of being hurt by the same person over and over again.

So what do you do?

You stop asking them to give you what they have repeatedly shown you they cannot give.

That doesn't necessarily mean you have to end the relationship.

It means you change the relationship.

You decide what level of access you give them.

Think about your access like a key ring.

You don't have to give someone every key just because they are important to you.

You can give them one key.

Maybe it's the key to casual conversation.

Maybe it's a weekly phone call.

Maybe it's attending a family event.

Maybe it's discussing something practical.

But you don't have to hand them the keys to everything.

And then you watch.

What do they do with the key you gave them?

Are they respectful of the access you provided?

Do they honor the boundaries you've established?

Do they respect that you only want to talk once a week?

Or do they immediately ask for more?

More calls.

More days.

More information.

More emotional access.

More of you.

And when you say no, do they respect it?

Or do they try to take the key anyway?

That's important information.

Because access is not something someone is automatically entitled to simply because they have a particular relationship with you.

Relationship does not equal unlimited access.

You can love someone and still limit their access to you.

You can care about someone and still decide that they don't get to know everything about your life.

You can have compassion for someone and still recognize that they aren't emotionally safe for you.

And perhaps most importantly:

You can stop looking to them to validate the parts of you they have repeatedly failed to see.

That doesn't mean you stop wanting what you wanted.

It means you stop making your healing dependent on finally receiving it from them.

Sometimes the most painful part of healing is accepting:

"This person may never become who I needed them to be."

But there is freedom in that acceptance.

Because once you stop waiting for them to change, you can start deciding what you will change.

Not your worth.

Not who you are.

Not your need for love and connection.

Your access.

So don't give someone your entire key ring and then spend your life wondering why they keep walking into rooms they were never supposed to enter.

Give access intentionally.

Watch what they do with it.

And remember:

The healthiest level of contact is the one that protects your safety, preserves your peace, and supports your healing.

You don't have to stop loving them.

You may simply need to stop giving them keys to places they have proven they cannot enter responsibly.

Ready to Rethink Access?

If this resonated with you, you may be ready to take a closer look at the relationships in your life—not necessarily to decide who stays or goes, but to understand how much access each relationship should have to you.

The Contact Continuum™ offers a trauma-informed framework for understanding contact, boundaries, and access in difficult relationships.

You don't have to decide everything today. Start by getting centered.

Explore The Contact Continuum™ and discover what healthier access can look like for you.

About Christen J. Yassin, LCSW-C

Christen J. Yassin, LCSW-C, is a therapist, author, and creator of The Contact Continuum™, a trauma-informed framework for understanding relationships, boundaries, and levels of contact.

Through her clinical work, writing, and workshops, Christen helps people rethink how they connect, evaluate access, and create healthier relationships without losing themselves in the process.

She is the founder of Centered, the home of The Contact Continuum™.

Sometimes the boundary isn't the problem. Sometimes, it's about how much access you give.