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You Don't Have to Lose Yourself to Love the People You Love There is something I have been thinking about lately. Sometimes the people we love come home, and even when we are happy to have them there, our entire rhythm changes. I am experiencing that right now. My son is home, and I love him. I have missed him. I am grateful to have him back. And yet, if I am being completely honest, the transition has been harder than I expected. Because while he was away, I had a rhythm. I

“I’m Tired. I’m Exhausted. Would You Please Stop Talking?” Have you ever been talking to someone and suddenly noticed yourself taking a deep breath? You feel like something is being pulled out of you. So you take a deep breath, hoping it will replenish you. It doesn't. But you take the deep breath anyway. Not because you are physically tired. Because you are emotionally tired. You may find yourself thinking: I can't do this right now. I don't have anything left. Would you ple

You Don't Have to Abandon Yourself to Stay Connected I must say, first and foremost, I am thoroughly enjoying writing to you—sharing my thoughts, feelings, and the things I have learned throughout my work with people. I am interested in authenticity. I think it is important to be true to yourself in order to be true to others. When we aren't honest with ourselves about who we are, what we need, what we feel, or what we can realistically give, it becomes difficult to show up a

You Can't Make Someone Self-Aware Many years ago, I had a client say something to me that I have never forgotten. He looked at me and said: “I'm not broken.” I remember the moment because, given the circumstances that had brought him into therapy, the statement caught me completely off guard. As a therapist, I remember thinking: Why are you here? Not because I believed that people have to be “broken” to need therapy. They don't. Therapy isn't about proving that something is w

Stop talking about them. I know. It sounds harsh. And honestly? It feels good to talk about them—especially when they have wronged you for so many years. Wronged you to the point of shifting your family dynamics. Wronged you to the point of shaping your role in the family. Wronged you to the point of damaging your relationships with other family members. Wronged you to the point of severing friendships and changing the dynamics of an entire shared social circle. There can be

One of the things we don't talk about enough when we talk about changing relationships is what happens after you create the distance. We often focus on the decision itself. Should I stay? Should I leave? Should I go no contact? Should I move someone into my Yellow Zone? But what happens when you actually make the change? Sometimes, you discover that grief and relief can exist at the same time. You may feel relieved that you are no longer carrying the emotional burden of an un

Turn off the computer. Turn off the phone. Turn off the television. And tune into yourself. And stay tuned in. Because your life is about to go off into a whole new world—with you at the center of it. Your presence is important. Your stance matters. And the way you stand in these rough seas matters. When you have spent a long time navigating chaos, dysfunction, conflict, uncertainty, or emotional upheaval, you may eventually find yourself moving toward calmer waters. You may

There is something else we have to talk about when we talk about creating distance. Loneliness. When you begin putting your relationships into perspective, you may start to see them differently. You may find it helpful to create a Relationship Map and identify which relationships currently feel like they belong in your Green Zone, which may need to move into your Yellow Zone, and which relationships may need to move into your Red Zone. You may begin asking yourself: Which rel

First of all, let’s take a pause. And a deep breath. And let’s begin. This is a deep and emotional conversation as we talk about the Contact Continuum. Often, when we begin to understand where we are in our relationships, we also begin to recognize that something may need to change. Sometimes, that means changing the nature of a Yellow Zone relationship. Maybe the relationship cannot continue in the same way it always has. Maybe the amount of access needs to change. Maybe the

Have you ever daydreamed about the perfect boyfriend or girlfriend, started dating someone, and later realized that the person you were dating was not the person you had imagined? Maybe you filled in the gaps with hope. Maybe you focused on their potential. Maybe you noticed the qualities you wanted to see and overlooked the behaviors that didn't fit the picture in your head. Or perhaps you have wished for a different relationship with your mother or father—the parent who wou

The Three Safety Questions are foundational when discussing the Contact Continuum. Am I physically safe? Am I emotionally safe? Do I have the emotional bandwidth for this relationship? Let’s focus on that last question. Do I have the emotional bandwidth for this relationship? What does this mean? How do I know if I have the bandwidth? Emotional bandwidth is the internal capacity you have to engage with life, relationships, and the demands placed upon you without becoming emot

Just because someone is in your life does not mean they should have access to everything in your life. Think about the people you love. A friend. A family member. A spouse. A partner. A boyfriend or girlfriend. Someone you have known for years. Does being in a relationship with you automatically mean they should have unlimited access to your time, your emotions, your personal information, your decisions, your home, your energy, or your attention? No. If it did, we would have

This hits on a very specific issue within The Contact Continuum—one that is addressed particularly in its approach to low contact: How do I deal with family members who are too close? We often talk about low contact in terms of creating distance from relationships that are painful, conflictual, or emotionally exhausting. But what happens when the problem isn't that there is too much distance? What happens when there isn't enough? The conversation in the book and in previous b

How would The Contact Continuum answer that question? Probably with a resounding no. Being family does not automatically mean you are required to maintain the same level of closeness, access, or contact. There has been a significant conversation on social media encouraging adult children to go no contact with their parents because they are “toxic.” At the same time, we are beginning to hear more about parents who are choosing no contact with their adult children. The conversa

The answer to this question is simple. In fact, it’s almost a hard fact: Yes, you can love someone and still need—and then choose—distance. That’s exactly what The Contact Continuum is about. It’s about choice. Not purely about feelings. If we are guided by feelings alone, we could end up in the Red Zone. I have seen with my clients that sometimes it is healthier to have low contact with someone who does not make us feel safe, even when we love them. And if we are honest, we

I am writing this blog because I believe we need a more intentional conversation about no contact. We are living in a time when people are experiencing family estrangement, physical and psychological abuse, emotional harm, and relationships that have become deeply painful or unsafe. Some have decided to go no contact with people they love or once loved. The decision to go no contact is significant and, whenever circumstances allow, deserves intentional thought and planning. I

Should I Go No Contact? We hear about no contact so much on social media that it can sometimes sound like the obvious solution when someone has hurt us, crossed our boundaries, or repeatedly created conflict. But going no contact isn't always the best—or the only—option for building and maintaining healthy boundaries and relationships. And when we think in terms of “no contact,” we don't leave ourselves many options in today's conversation about managing high-conflict relatio