Gaslighting: When Someone Makes You Question Your Reality

Good morning, readers!

We've been talking about deception for a while now.

We've talked about lying.

We've talked about omission.

We've talked about concealment.

We've talked about The Mask—what happens when deception becomes more than something someone does and becomes part of the reality they present to other people.

But there is another word that comes up frequently when we talk about relationships where someone's version of events seems to continually conflict with our own:

Gaslighting.

And I think we need to slow down with this word.

Because gaslighting has become so common in everyday conversation that sometimes we use it to describe any situation where someone disagrees with us, remembers something differently, or tells us that we are wrong.

That's not necessarily gaslighting.

Someone can disagree with you without manipulating you.

Someone can remember an event differently.

Someone can genuinely have a different perspective.

Someone can even be wrong.

Gaslighting is more specific than that.

So what are we actually talking about?

What Is Gaslighting?

At its core, gaslighting involves a pattern of communication or behavior that causes a person to increasingly doubt their own perception, memory, judgment, or understanding of events.

The important word here is pattern.

One disagreement does not necessarily constitute gaslighting.

One inaccurate memory does not necessarily constitute gaslighting.

One defensive response does not necessarily constitute gaslighting.

We're looking at what happens repeatedly over time.

What happens when you bring up something you remember?

What happens when you ask a question?

What happens when you identify something that doesn't make sense?

What happens when your experience conflicts with someone else's preferred version of events?

Because sometimes the response isn't:

"I remember it differently."

It's:

"That never happened."

Or:

"You're imagining things."

"You're too sensitive."

"You're making this into something it isn't."

"You always do this."

"You're crazy."

And eventually, the conversation may stop being about what actually happened.

Instead, the conversation becomes about whether you are capable of knowing what happened at all.

That's where we need to pay attention.

Gaslighting Is Not Simply Being Wrong

This distinction matters.

People have imperfect memories.

We misunderstand each other.

We miscommunicate.

We remember events differently.

We make mistakes.

We sometimes become defensive when confronted.

None of those things automatically mean someone is gaslighting you.

Gaslighting becomes concerning when there is a repeated pattern of undermining someone's ability to trust their own perception or judgment, particularly when doing so benefits the other person or helps them avoid accountability.

And even then, we should be careful about assuming intent.

We may not always know exactly why someone is behaving this way.

We can observe the pattern.

We can identify the impact.

And we can make decisions about our access accordingly.

Remember:

We don't always need to know someone's intention in order to respond to the impact of their behavior.

"But I Know What Happened."

This is where things can become incredibly confusing.

Because you may remember something clearly.

You may have seen it.

You may have heard it.

You may have written it down.

You may have talked about it with someone else immediately afterward.

And yet the person you're speaking to is insisting that your memory is wrong.

So you start questioning yourself.

Did I misunderstand?

Maybe I heard it wrong.

Maybe I'm remembering it incorrectly.

Maybe I'm being too sensitive.

Maybe I'm making a bigger deal out of this than I should.

And this is where gaslighting can become so powerful.

Because once you stop trusting your own perception, you may begin relying increasingly on the other person's interpretation of reality.

You stop asking:

"What happened?"

And start asking:

"What am I supposed to believe happened?"

That's a very different question.

The Erosion of Self-Trust

One of the most concerning aspects of gaslighting isn't simply that someone tells you that you're wrong.

It's what can happen inside you over time.

You may begin second-guessing yourself.

You may become hesitant to bring things up.

You may start documenting conversations because you no longer trust your memory.

You may ask other people to confirm what you experienced.

You may repeatedly explain yourself.

You may apologize for things you aren't sure you actually did.

You may become increasingly dependent on the other person's interpretation of events.

And eventually, you may begin thinking:

"Maybe I can't trust myself."

That is the part I want us to pay attention to.

Because healthy relationships do not require you to surrender your ability to know your own experience.

Gaslighting and Accountability

Another question we can ask is:

What happens when someone is held accountable?

Healthy relationships can tolerate disagreement.

They can tolerate questions.

They can tolerate someone saying:

"That's not how I experienced it."

They can tolerate:

"I remember that differently."

And they can tolerate:

"I don't agree with your version of what happened."

None of us gets to control another person's memory or perception.

But when every attempt to discuss someone's behavior becomes an attack on your credibility, something has changed.

The conversation may begin with:

"You did this."

And somehow end with:

"What's wrong with you?"

Now you're defending your sanity instead of discussing their behavior.

That's important information.

Gaslighting Can Happen Without a Perfect Memory

Here's another important point.

You don't have to remember every detail perfectly to recognize that something isn't right.

You can say:

"I don't remember every detail, but I know something about this conversation doesn't make sense to me."

You can say:

"I may be mistaken about part of this, but I don't feel comfortable with the way this conversation is going."

You can say:

"I need time to think about what happened before I continue this conversation."

You are allowed to pause.

You are allowed to gather information.

You are allowed to say, "I don't know."

And perhaps most importantly:

You are allowed to take your own uncertainty seriously without immediately surrendering your perception to someone else's certainty.

What If I'm Wrong?

This is where discernment comes in.

What if you're wrong?

What if you misunderstood?

What if your memory isn't completely accurate?

That possibility does not mean you have to ignore your concerns.

Healthy discernment allows room for uncertainty.

You can hold:

"I may not have the whole story."

And:

"Something still doesn't feel right."

Both can be true.

That's very different from assuming that your perception is always correct.

The goal isn't to become convinced that everyone is manipulating you.

The goal is to become more comfortable examining what you know, what you don't know, and what you need before making decisions.

So What Do I Do?

Start with the same questions we've been using throughout this series.

What do I actually know?

What did I directly observe?

What was said?

What am I interpreting?

What information am I missing?

Is this a one-time disagreement or a repeated pattern?

What happens when I ask questions?

Can we disagree without my character being attacked?

Can this person acknowledge that my experience is different from theirs?

And then ask one more question:

What is happening to my ability to trust myself in this relationship?

That question may tell you a lot.

Because the goal isn't to win an argument about whose memory is better.

The goal is to understand what is happening in the relationship.

Gaslighting and the Contact Continuum™

And this brings us back to the Contact Continuum™.

Because ultimately, the question isn't simply:

"Is this person gaslighting me?"

The question is:

"What is this pattern telling me about the level of access that is healthy for me?"

Maybe you need a conversation.

Maybe you need clearer conditions around communication.

Maybe you need to stop arguing about the past and focus on what you are willing to participate in moving forward.

Maybe you need to share less.

Maybe you need more distance.

Maybe the relationship requires a significant change in access.

And sometimes, you may decide that continued contact is not healthy for you.

You don't have to become a courtroom prosecutor.

You don't have to prove your case beyond a reasonable doubt.

You don't have to convince the other person that your perception is valid before you are allowed to make a decision about your own life.

Because remember:

Your boundary does not require someone else's agreement.

And your decision about access does not require their admission of wrongdoing.

Trusting Yourself Again

Perhaps one of the most important parts of healing from a relationship characterized by gaslighting is rebuilding trust in yourself.

Not blind trust.

Not the belief that you are never wrong.

But the ability to say:

"I can examine my own perception without automatically abandoning it."

I can be open to being wrong.

I can ask questions.

I can gather information.

I can reconsider.

And I can still take myself seriously.

Because maybe the goal isn't to become absolutely certain about everything that happened.

Maybe the goal is to become confident enough in yourself to say:

"I don't know everything. But I know enough to know that something isn't working for me."

And sometimes, that is enough.

Because the healthiest level of contact is not determined by how much access someone demands.

It is determined by what protects your safety, preserves your peace, and promotes your healing.

Understanding Contact. Evaluating Access. Creating Healthier Connection.

What do you think?

Have you ever found yourself questioning your own memory, perception, or judgment because someone repeatedly told you that your experience wasn't what you believed it was?

What happens when you stop focusing on proving what happened and start paying attention to what the pattern is doing to your ability to trust yourself?

And perhaps most importantly:

What does that pattern tell you about the level of access you are willing to give?

I'd love to hear your thoughts.

And if this conversation resonated with you, stay connected. There is much more to come as we continue exploring deception, gaslighting, access, boundaries, and the Contact Continuum™.

Understanding Contact. Evaluating Access. Creating Healthier Connection.

About the Author

Christen J. Yassin, MSW, LCSW, LCSW-C, is a licensed clinical social worker, author, therapist, and creator of the Contact Continuum™—a framework for understanding contact, evaluating access, and creating healthier connection.

With nearly two decades of clinical experience, Christen has worked across behavioral health settings supporting individuals and families navigating complex relationships, emotional safety, boundaries, and change.

She is the author of The Contact Continuum: A Guide to No Contact, Low Contact, and Everything In Between, forthcoming.

Through her writing, clinical work, and workshops, Christen explores the ways we understand relationships—and how we can make more intentional decisions about the access we give to others.

Learn more at Centeredonline.com.